By Warwick Holt
Written for HATS' "A Play In A Day" (written, rehearsed and performed within
24 hours).
14 February 2003.
Photos from performance, 15 February 2003, directed by Erin Prater.
Actors : Nicole Blyth (Denise), Sheona Paxman (Mother) & Tanya Weiler (Prue)
SCENE 1 (Stage Left: A Northern Queensland living room, rundown. A picture of a daffodil hangs lopsidedly on the wall.) (MOTHER sits in a chair, one eye on a hand of patience, the other vaguely in the direction of the TV. A bottle and a half-full glass of sherry sit beside her.) (DENISE, in pyjamas, sits at her feet.) DENISE What does “pre-emptive” mean Mum? (Mother looks at her wearily.) MOTHER It means not soon enough, darling. DENISE Oh. (PAUSES) Why is everyone protesting against John Howard? MOTHER ‘Coz they’re a bunch of stinkin’ commie pooftahs, darling. (ie. “shut up, I’m playing cards.”) DENISE All of them? MOTHER To think, your father died in a war, and look at the state of the country now. It’s a cryin’ shame. Might as well be livin’ in stinkin’ Russia. (She swigs the remainder of the sherry and pours another glass.) (Stage Right: A spotlight illuminates PRUE, carrying boxes inside. She walks primly, folding in half at the waist as she places the boxes down.) DENISE What war was Daddy in? (Mother smacks her across the earhole, knocking her down.) MOTHER Don’t you talk that way about your father! DENISE I was just asking… MOTHER They used to gas people for talking like that! (A nostalgic look flits across her face, but the sour one stomps it down nearly instantly.) MOTHER (cont’d) I suppose that’s “not allowed” these days either. Stinkin’ pinkos. (While Denise rubs her smarting face, Prue pulls out a cross and bible from the top box. She places the cross lovingly on the mantlepiece, and, clutching the bible to her heart, strides out the front door and around towards Mother and Denise’s house.) DENISE Can I go out with Janet tomorrow? MOTHER Janet? Who’s this Janet? That’s not some crazy boy’s name is it? IS IT? DENISE No Mum, Janet! You know, from back in high school? MOTHER Hmmm. You can’t be too careful these days. Can you believe the Commie Party had a leader called Kim? It’s a weird world out there young lady. DENISE A weird stinkin’ world Mum. MOTHER Damn straight. (Prue reaches Mother’s house and raps crisply on the door. She leans in and places her head against the door, listening.) MOTHER Jesus Christ! Tell ‘em we gave at the office! (Hearing this, Prue springs back from the door, as Denise gets up off the floor to open the door. Prue has the Bible still held proudly at her heart, but thinks better of it and hides it behind her back.) (Denise opens the door.) DENISE Hello? (Prue springs into a broad artificial grin. She speaks with a blunted Southern accent.) PRUE Howdy – I’m your new neighbour. DENISE Oh. Ah… (…looks over her shoulder…) DENISE (cont’d) … we, er, gave at the office. (Prue laughs cosmetically. As Denise goes to close the door, she expertly steps inside.) PRUE I’m not here to sell anything! Just wanting to get to know the people I share a fence with. (The door slams shut behind her. Her nose wriggles at the house’s aroma but she rapidly regains composure. She holds out her non-Bible clutching hand to Denise.) PRUE I’m Prue Dishness – call me Prue. DENISE Alright Prue. (Prue’s hand is left dangling, unaccepted.) PRUE And you would be… DENISE Oh, we live here. PRUE We? DENISE Yeah. Me and me mum. (As if on cue, Mother appears in the hallway.) MOTHER And what the hell beeswax is it of yours? PRUE Oh hello there! I’m Prue Dishness, I’ve just moved in next door. MOTHER Right, well, Mrs. Dishness… DENISE She says to call her Prue. (Mother moves right up to Prue and gives her a shove back towards the door with each phrase.) MOTHER …we don’t have barbeques, we won’t feed your pets when you’re away and you can’t have a cup of my good sugar! Alright? (Prue is taken aback.) PRUE Now lady, I’m not coming here asking for favours. I’m just looking for a touch of neighbourly hospitality is all. MOTHER Well the hospital’s out Cairns way. Neighbours-wise let me just say your house was never more friendly than when it was deserted! (With one final shove she pushes her through the door, and onto the street. The door slams.) DENISE Bye Prue. (Denise and Mother return to the TV.) (Lying on the ground, dishevelled, Prue picks up her bible and thumbs through it, finally landing on the passage she’s after.) PRUE “Whoever causes disfigurement of their neighbour, as they have done, so will be done unto them – fracture for fracture…” (She feels her left arm gingerly.) PRUE (cont’d) “…eye for eye…” (She squints and blinks, pulling the bible back and forth from her face, attempting to focus.) PRUE (cont’d) “…tooth for tooth…” 
(She feels her teeth with her tongue and is momentarily disappointed to find no damage.)
(She surreptitiously glances upwards, then covers her head and punches herself in the mouth. She spits out a tooth.)
PRUE (cont’d) “…ath they hath cauthed dithfigurement, tho thall it be done to them!” Amen my thweet thweet Lord! (She picks herself up and limps away.) BLACKOUT.
(Prue stirs a pot with a wooden spoon, staring fixedly at the cross.) (Denise knocks on her door. Prue, as if waking from a trance, shakes her grimace off and regains her cotton-candy smile.) (Prue walks to the door, opens it, and is shocked to see Denise.) PRUE Oh… DENISE Hello Prue. PRUE …ah, hi… DENISE My name’s Denise. PRUE Howdy Denise – listen, I’m a bit busy right now… DENISE Watcha doin’? (A sinister look passes over Prue’s face.) PRUE The Lord’s good work. DENISE Funny you should say, right, ‘coz I was just thinkin’ about God. ‘Coz I saw this thing round at my auntie’s once on the back of her dunny door, and I reckon it must’ve been from the Bible, and it said “Love thy neighbour as thyself.” And I thought about what Mum did to you – ‘coz you’re thy neighbour right - and like I thought it was not like what God reckons she shoulda done. (Prue thinks for a moment.) PRUE Come in Denise. (As Prue walks back towards her simmering cauldron, she picks up her bible and tosses it over to Denise.) PRUE (cont’d) Find the page. DENISE What? PRUE “Love thy neighbour.” Find it. (She goes back to stirring the pot.)
PRUE There is no doubt in my mind that your mother is a demon, the very spawn of Satan himself, and that makes you an unclean child! DENISE That’s rubbish. PRUE Is it? When your very house stinks of the bowels of Hell? DENISE Well it gets a bit whiffy from time to time but I’d hardly call it stinkin’. PRUE Unclean! Unclean! See how the devil’s scent infects your sinful sinuses! (Denise is becoming distraught.) DENISE Aaargh! What can I do? PRUE We must cleanse your mother and your home. Can you stay with your father for a while? DENISE Mum says Dad died before I was born, but I reckon maybe he just high-tailed it. PRUE Bastard! Heathen bastard child! Lay down before me, you too must be cleansed! (Denise scrambles onto the floor. Prue spoons some of the liquid she’s been stirring into a vial and starts flicking it in a cross on Denise’s back.) PRUE In nomini patrii, filii, spiritus sanctii… DENISE Aaargh! It burns! PRUE Burn away evil - bring in the good! (Denise starts rolling on the ground, trying to extinguish imaginary flames.) DENISE My back! It feels like it’s dissolving! Is that holy water? PRUE Er… it’s a variant of holy water. An old family recipe. A little HCl, a little H2SO4… (Denise continues to roll about in agony.) DENISE Oh. Right. Owowow! BLACKOUT.
(Denise opens the door to her house silently. She and Prue tiptoe through the doorway, both of them moving in some pain. Prue is carrying her vial. As she enters, she holds her nose.) (Mother continues to watch the TV, drink sherry and play patience, oblivious to the intrusion of the others.) (Denise goes to Mother’s front while Prue sneaks around the back.) DENISE Hi Mum. MOTHER Where have you been young lady? DENISE Oh, nowhere, just went for a walk. MOTHER Hmp. (Denise fidgets nervously.) (Prue looms over the back of Mother’s chair, holding the vial aloft.) (Denise points at the TV.) DENISE Hey look – it’s that stinkin’ Enimen. MOTHER I loathe that little runt. (About to spray her holy water, Prue pauses.) DENISE He’s a hateful, self-centred bigot. MOTHER Perhaps. But I still hate him. (Denise looks over to Prue, eyebrows raised expectantly. Prue’s resolve is wavering.) (Mother notices Denise looking past her and turns around.) MOTHER (cont’d) What the hell? PRUE Oh – howdy there! Listen, I was just passing by and I have to say that I agree wholeheartedly with what you were saying about that bastard Enimen. MOTHER Oh, thanks. PRUE Yeah, he really is a rat bastard son of a bitch. MOTHER You can say that again. Siddown if you want. (Prue sits down, facing the TV. They all stare for a moment.) PRUE What an asshole. MOTHER Cocksucker. DENISE Motherfucker. MOTHER Watch your mouth young lady! DENISE Donkeyfucker? MOTHER That’s better. (The three of them continue to sit, point and jeer.) V/O Rap music. Bringing people together, all around the world. THE END.
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