by Warwick Holt
February 13, 2003.
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SCENE 1 (A nursery rhyme (perhaps "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star") plays gently on bells, like a baby's toy.) (Lights up: In the pale light of evening, MRS. WAYNE tucks her 33 year old son into bed.) MRS. WAYNE Now you get a good sleep. You want to make sure you're well rested for the World Cup. SHAUN Thanks Mum. MRS. WAYNE Alright darling. (She pulls the covers up and kisses him tenderly on the forehead. SHAUN looks frightened.) MRS. WAYNE (cont'd) I'll see you in the morning. (She gets up to go.) SHAUN Um, Mum…? (Mrs. Wayne turns back.) MRS. WAYNE Yes darling? SHAUN Do you think I've put on weight again? MRS. WAYNE No, of course not. What would make you say that? SHAUN Don't lie Mum! I weighed myself and I've put on 5 kilos since the injury. MRS. WAYNE Now Shaun, 5 kilos isn't that much. SHAUN I'm going to Africa, you know - they're all skinny over there! I've seen them on the telly. MRS. WAYNE You know what telly's like. They never show anyone bigger than a size 8. SHAUN I'm not going to be laughed at! No-one's going to be calling me Wobbly Wayney ever again! MRS. WAYNE Alright, calm down Shauny. (She moves over to the bedside table and opens the second drawer down.) MRS. WAYNE (cont'd) I've got something here that I reckon might help. (She pulls out a blister pack of drugs and pops one out into her hand.) SHAUN What is it Mum? MRS. WAYNE It's just your mother's little helper, that's all. SHAUN You know I'm not supposed to take drugs. MRS. WAYNE Come on, I'm your mother, I wouldn't give you drugs! I bought them at the chemist, for goodness' sake. SHAUN Sorry Mum. (He pops the pill in his mouth and swallows. A look of calm descends on his face and he sinks down into his bed.) MRS. WAYNE Now isn't that better? SHAUN Yes… (He closes his eyes, and Mrs. Wayne tiptoes out of the room, switching the light out on the way.)
(The P.M. is addressing a group of JOURNALISTS, brandishing microphones and cameras.) P.M. I will be making it clear to the President that we are not committed to war, but that we are totally behind his fight against terrorism. JOURNO #1 And what about the terrorist threats being made against our own cricketers if they go ahead with the game in Zimbabwe? P.M. Well I have spoken to the players, who are close friends, and said that we do fear for their safety and we would prefer it if they didn't play there. We'd far prefer it if they stuck to South Africa and other like-minded nations. (Behind the P.M., Shaun and a couple of other CRICKETERS pass by, pushing trolleys loaded with bags. The journalists immediately abandon the P.M. and pursue Shaun, leaving the P.M. alone, fiddling nervously.) JOURNO #2 Shaun, can you give us an update on your fitness? (Shaun spins around on his heel, a poor imitation of a catwalk twirl.) SHAUN Never felt better. JOURNO #3 And what are your thoughts on the Zimbabwe controversy? SHAUN It's a cliché I know, but I believe that politics has no place in sport. Now could you excuse me, I've got a plane to catch. (Shaun spins around again and pushes his trolley off stage.) (The P.M. creeps up behind the journalists and taps one on the shoulder.) P.M. Erm, my plane won't be leaving for an hour or so yet. (The journalists gradually give up facing the cricketers and turn around to face the P.M. When he's certain they're all shooting, the P.M. strains his head towards the departing cricketers.) P.M. (cont'd) Good luck fellas! Do us proud!
(SIOBHAN stands at a table, changing a baby's nappy. A door slams and Shaun comes storming in.) SHAUN Fucking hell. SIOBHAN Aren't you meant to be in Africa? (Shaun stares at her disbelievingly.) SHAUN Don't you even watch the news? (Siobhan indicates the baby.) SIOBHAN This one keeps my hands fairly busy if you haven't noticed. SHAUN Yeah well I failed a drug test. SIOBHAN Oh Christ Shaun, what have you been doing now? Coke? SHAUN I wish. It was some bloody diet pill Mum gave me. SIOBHAN Oh come on. They can't send you home for a diet pill. (Shaun waves at her.) SHAUN Hello? I'm here! SIOBHAN Well it's not fair! Come on, you know the P.M. and everything! Surely you can throw your weight around. SHAUN Please don't say that.
(The P.M. sits in a chair opposite the U.S. PRESIDENT, deep in discussion.) PRESIDENT It's going to be a hell of a war, son. P.M. Hell yes, Mr. President. Erm, darn tootin! PRESIDENT But we'll show them A-rab bastards. Show 'em good! P.M. Yee-haw! PRESIDENT Don't you have any of them cute Ossie exprositions? P.M. Mate, I've fair dinkum got a shitload. (The PRESIDENT laughs hysterically.) PRESIDENT You guys are so funny! You tell that to Saddam, you'll scare him good! P.M. Aw shucks Mr. President, you know I wouldn't scare him as good as you. PRESIDENT Sure you would! (A mobile phone rings - preferably "The Star Spangled Banner" or another American anthem.) PRESIDENT Ooh, sounds like my mobile! P.M. No Mr. President, that's mine actually. (The P.M. takes out his phone.) P.M. Oh God, it's Wayney! PRESIDENT Did you just take the Lord's name in vain? P.M. Oh, sorry, Mr. President. (He crosses himself.) P.M. (cont'd) Listen, I'm really sorry to interrupt this critical meeting, but could I take this call? PRESIDENT Yeah, whatever. Knock yourself out. (Lights up on Shaun and Siobhan on stage right. Shaun is on the other end of the P.M.'s phone call.) P.M. Wayney! (Shaun winces.) SHAUN Hi Mr. Howonearth. P.M. Please, call me Jim. SHAUN And you can call me Shaun. P.M. I'd rather call you Wayney. (Shaun winces again.) SHAUN Listen, I don't know whether you've heard the news about me. P.M. No, we don't get that many cricket updates over here. (Meanwhile, the President, bored, starts to play with a computer game.) SHAUN I've been kicked out of the World Cup because I failed a drug test. P.M. Oh Wayney. You know you shouldn't do drugs! SHAUN I didn't think it was a drug! It was just a pill my mum gave to me. It was nothing illicit, I was just doing what Mum told me to, just like a good Aussie boy should. P.M. Fair dinkum mate, that's crap. That'll flush us right down the dunny. (The President giggles but continues blowing things up.) SHAUN Well I wondered whether you might be able to do something about it. Maybe speak to the International Cricket Council or something. (Stirring music begins.) P.M. You know, you're right, I will. There are many wars in this world, but none so dear to the hearts of my fellow countrymen as that over cricket's premier trophy. (The music stops suddenly.) SHAUN I thought that was the Ashes. P.M. You're kidding right? SHAUN Er, yeah, I guess. Thanks Jim, I really appreciate this. P.M. No problem Wayney, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you. (Shaun winces again.) SHAUN Gee, thanks. (They hang up.) PRESIDENT I thought you said you'd always be here for me, Jimmy boy. P.M. Er, we can fight two wars at once. PRESIDENT Alright, so you're in the Coalition of the Willing are you? P.M. Sssshhh!
(The P.M. sits in the same chair, now opposition the ICC CHAIRMAN. Where before there was an American icon behind them, there is now an African one - preferably Zimbabwean eg. flag.) P.M. It's an honour to meet with your Mr. Chairman. CHAIRMAN And we are honoured that you have come all the way out to Zimbabwe yourself Mr. Prime Minister, to see the situation for yourself first hand. P.M. And I must say that the people here have been most welcoming. CHAIRMAN Well it's fairly uncommon that we get to meet a world leader of your… stature. P.M. Are you calling me short? CHAIRMAN Oh no, Mr. Prime Minister. No no no. P.M. Anyway; this business with Wayney. He reckons he just took a diet pill that his Mum had given him. CHAIRMAN He had traces of a prohibited substance in his bloodstream. I'm afraid there's nothing more to say on the matter. (A moment's silence passes.) P.M. Of course our guys haven't really made their minds up about playing over here you know. CHAIRMAN But you can see for yourself - there's no danger here. P.M. Well, I know that… but do the players? CHAIRMAN Alright Mr. Prime Minister. You can have your beloved Wayney back if - and only if - you can guarantee that the Zimbabwe match will go ahead - with the full backing of your government. P.M. Mr. Chairman, you have yourself a deal. (They shake. To the strains of "C'mon Aussie C'mon", the P.M. strides forth to a podium. A bevy of journalists gather at his feet.) P.M. Today, I am pleased to announce the wonderful news that Australia will be going ahead with its scheduled World Cup match in this safe land of Zimbabwe. And on an unrelated note, I'm delighted to hear that the ICC has just received the results of Shaun Wayne's new blood test, and have given him the all clear to return to the Australian squa… (A GUNSHOT. The P.M. slumps forward onto the podium. The journalists scatter.) THE END. |